I lived most my early life in the darkness. it almost consumed me when I attempted to take my life. know what saved me?
spite.
when people put me down, I proved them wrong out of spite. I stomped them into the ground as violently as I could (metaphorically).
when I put myself down I punished myself, out of spite. tell myself I can’t run this mile? run until I want to die. think I can’t complete this task before the deadline? don’t stop until it’s done. that means no food, water, sleep, or relief until it’s done.
I am a hate-filled spite powered machine that will only stop if I’m dead or unconscious. never had hope for the future, never had a positive thought towards the future. I just want to “swing my sword” and test my mettle.
Ok yeah, I’ve lived like that too and I can relate. Trust me when I say that I totally get that mental state.
The one flaw with it, though, that one has to break through eventually, is that it’s reactive. It’s always, ultimately, defined by others.
The escape clause I found was that one of the best ways to get back at the fuckers was to thrive. But to do that, I had to do what I wanted, not just react. But to get what I wanted, I first had to want something for myself, and then I realized I couldn’t get that if I held onto the idea that everything would be terrible forever. I had to have a gritty version of hope. I had to adapt to a positive mindset for my goals or else I’d be hampering myself.
So yeah, spite can get you to accomplish things, but it’s always a contrarian way of doing things, constantly teathered to showing someone up rather than actual freedom.
Spite’s some good shit, but it’s always diluted by a lingering fixation with others’ objectives. It works, but it’s just a common street drug, and you need more of it every time you use it.
The pharmaceutical grade product is called determination. Pure determination makes you unstoppable.
not true.
I lived most my early life in the darkness. it almost consumed me when I attempted to take my life. know what saved me?
spite.
when people put me down, I proved them wrong out of spite. I stomped them into the ground as violently as I could (metaphorically).
when I put myself down I punished myself, out of spite. tell myself I can’t run this mile? run until I want to die. think I can’t complete this task before the deadline? don’t stop until it’s done. that means no food, water, sleep, or relief until it’s done.
I am a hate-filled spite powered machine that will only stop if I’m dead or unconscious. never had hope for the future, never had a positive thought towards the future. I just want to “swing my sword” and test my mettle.
Ok yeah, I’ve lived like that too and I can relate. Trust me when I say that I totally get that mental state.
The one flaw with it, though, that one has to break through eventually, is that it’s reactive. It’s always, ultimately, defined by others.
The escape clause I found was that one of the best ways to get back at the fuckers was to thrive. But to do that, I had to do what I wanted, not just react. But to get what I wanted, I first had to want something for myself, and then I realized I couldn’t get that if I held onto the idea that everything would be terrible forever. I had to have a gritty version of hope. I had to adapt to a positive mindset for my goals or else I’d be hampering myself.
So yeah, spite can get you to accomplish things, but it’s always a contrarian way of doing things, constantly teathered to showing someone up rather than actual freedom.
Spite’s some good shit, but it’s always diluted by a lingering fixation with others’ objectives. It works, but it’s just a common street drug, and you need more of it every time you use it.
The pharmaceutical grade product is called determination. Pure determination makes you unstoppable.
If you find a reliable supplier btw hmu